Allowing Fear and Anxiety to be Our Teachers
Photography by Nicole Leoné Miller
I am well acquainted with fear and anxiety. I agonized over these emotions that plagued me on a daily basis. It seemed as if none of my tools would help. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder at seventeen, but dealt with it my entire life before I even had the language to describe what I was feeling.
My first memory of fear and anxiety was when I was five in Kindergarten. I was in my childhood home sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of our downstairs bathroom. It was morning and I was supposed to be getting ready for school, but I was experiencing debilitating anxiety. I distinctly remember my heart racing, chest tightening, and warm tears streaming down my face. I asked my mom what was wrong with me and she tried to fix it with a hug and something to eat to settle my stomach. It didn't change what I was feeling. My mom and dad never talked about anxiety when I was younger. I know many of the people in my family have anxiety, however the topic was never openly discussed.
I found words to describe my feelings over time and I got really good at it. In fact, got so good at it that my fear and anxiety was often the protagonist in my life. I defined myself inside a storyline of anxiety. Learning to live with my anxiety came in pieces and not all at once. I am still carving a path and discovering that there is wisdom here. These are the harder emotions to work with and this does not mean that I live a life without them now. It also doesn’t mean that the pain of traumatic life experiences has been lifted. My perspective has changed little by little so that I can regulate my life better. Sometimes there is absolutely nothing that soothes an acute physical reaction to fear and anxiety. Even with the belief that there are ways to overcome panic attacks, it is also true that there are times when there are not. There is no way to be comfortable and think “positively” in a panicked state. This is not the time to be working with new practices.
When I think of how I have been able to move through these challenging emotions, there are a few pivotal moments I can name: using my imagination, moving my body in tandem with my breath, and meditating to Sarah Blondin’s 10 day course called “The Deepest Self.”
I have practiced using my imagination during times I was safe to be with my thoughts. My memory goes back to places when I felt calm and alive. Those places are not always easy to access and there may only be a one or two memories. Maybe there are no memories at all and I have to make something up. When I was a child, I imagined a cave underground in the dirt. It was dark and all I had was one favorite book, a genie-like lamp, and a blanket. I even made drawings of my cave many times over. When I go to a place of calm, on occasion it’s this place. It sounds pretty scary as an adult. Buried underground? Only one book? None of that matters though. It’s the fact that I felt safe there in my imagination when I was younger and that feeling stayed with me. It’s my place to go that is basically okay. Imagination has helped me be proactive to sit with my anxious thoughts.
Movement with my breath was taught to me when I was sixteen in a yoga class with the elderly ladies at my local YMCA. Later on in life, I became so seriously dedicated to my practice that I encountered the possibility of transforming my anxiety and fear into something different. The very act of getting on my mat every day helped me move forward. It was less about the postures and more about putting one foot in front of the other. It was about rooting down into myself. I could see myself slowly growing out of specific places of fear and anxiety. Many teachers have been there with me along the way and I am grateful to each one of them. When I was challenged by my distrust in life, I learned that I had to move.
In January of 2021, I had one of the worst prolonged states of anxiety of my life. It was about a month-long low grade panic fixated on thought patterns. I woke up thinking of every single thing I have ever done wrong and went to bed thinking of every single thing I have ever done wrong. This feeling of being completely groundless went on for days and days. My stomach would churn, a bowling ball sat on my chest, and there was a grip around my throat. Sarah Blondin released her course “The Deepest Self” around the same time I was in this state of anxious panic. The third meditation class was called “The Wisdom Behind Fear and Anxiety” and I have returned to this a hundred times over. She says, “The self you are now will not carry you to the other side of fear and anxiety. You must grow.” She also says, “You are embarking into the unknown parts of yourself,” and that “there is truly something holy in the visitation of anxiety and fear.” She continues to say that “they are showing us how to shed our skins and the beliefs that are holding us hostage. The beliefs that are keeping us small.”
Going into the center of discomfort is not an easy endeavor and requires diligent nurturing regardless of the stormy waters. This nurturing also most likely happens alone. It is isolating and yet this type of suffering is known by us all. Fear and anxiety are asking us to be new versions of ourselves and are pointing us in a new direction of a more trusting self. When I realized that these emotions were not going away, I learned to accept them as teachers. It was that or remain in a cage for the rest of my life. We must learn to be gentle with ourselves as we speak to our hearts. Sarah tells us to have hospitality with these visitors and not be with them as if they are strangers in our homes. There is a tenderness and sweetness when we do this so we are not caged with our incessant anxious thought patterns.
How do you source security and ease? What practices can you invite in to embody the next version of yourself? Freedom exists somewhere between acceptance and support.
